One of the most important lessons we ever learn in this life is when to quit. That’s right – quit. To walk away, hold up the finger, or simply say, “this just isn’t working”. There is no college course and no simple advice from a parent or pastor that will guide you to the right decision to stick or quit, but you fill face it. And you will face it more than once. You decision in these moments of choice will change the course of your life as you know it.
There are two common denominators in the stick or quit conundrum. The first denominator is making a decision. A decision is a “yes-no” proposition. There is no maybe. A woman is either pregnant or not. You either have cancer or you don’t. You vote yes, or you vote no. Decisions are binary – you either stick or you quit.
The second denominator is your interpretation of the situation or relationship in front of you. This interpretation of the situations and relationships in your life is done through something called your “paradigm”. Your paradigm is your window the world. Some would call it your “context”. It’s how you see and understand the things around you and in front of you. Examining your paradigm is a useful tool in the pursuit of making the best decision to stick or quit. It’s perhaps the most important tool.
And so today we will look at some of the paradigms around sticking and quitting. There is no on-size-fits-all, and no right or wrong. There is just you, and your unique thumbprint, DNA, and modality of decision making.
Perseverance
We are taught all through life to no be a “quitter”. “Stay the course”, they say. “Don’t give up”. “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”. Business and self-help literature is replete with stories of the great success in human history and how they only came when that person was at the end of a scorched earth holocaust of their very existence hanging onto their last earthly breath by a hangnail but refused to succumb. Then suddenly, the sea parted, the sky cleared, and the dough came rolling in.
Or they just imploded, wasted their life, or forewent another opportunity because they were too stupid and stubborn to pay attention and get out while they could. What is your default?
Stockholm Syndrome
Have you ever heard of this? Stockholm syndrome is a theory that tries to explain why hostages sometimes develop a psychological bond with their captors. It examines the power imbalances contained in hostage-taking, kidnapping, and abusive relationships. If you are one who says to your fellows, “I’ve been in an abusive relationship for over 20 years” chances are your fellows will raise a brow (or they should).
The Folks
In your life, you will face the decision to stick or quit across a broad range of decisions in various intensities and across multiple platforms, but the most challenging will be in your relationships. Sometimes your paradigm comes from your family or origin. If you come from a family of divorce, you may lean heavily on not having that result. Then again, you may see it as acceptable just as your foremothers and forefathers did.
Selfishness
Some would tell you that the higher road is to never judge. Whatever. We’re all judging each other all the time. Judgement is a survival skill whether picking a lover or deciding to hit on soft 17 in blackjack. The trick to judgement is proper judgement of self.
If you stick are you selfish? If you quit are you selfless? Let’s say your best friend decides one day to take his/her life. “What a selfish act”, you say. And maybe it was. But what if your friend was living everyday in unbearable pain from an incurable disease and had only a few weeks to live anyway? Still selfish, or is it a right to terminate that condition? Funny, as a society we don’t think twice about euthanizing an animal if it puts them out of pain, but it’s murder if it’s one of our own.
The Decision Muscle
What kind of decision maker are you? Are you slow, are you fast, or are you paralyzed? Do you salt and pepper your food as a matter of habit before even tasting it? Do you seek endless data, linear regressions and multiple table analysis in making a decision, or do you just trust your gut? On date night, do you make the suggestion for the restaurant, or do you just say, “Whatever you want is fine with me.” Making a decision is very much like exercising a muscle and you must always remember: it is a decision, and decisions are binary. You either do a thing or you do not. How strong is your decision muscle?
The Two Ironies
Finally we come to the finish – that binary moment if yes or no, but never maybe. When we reach the finish line of stick or quit, we often find ourselves facing the two ironies.
The first irony is that you never know if it was the right or wrong decision until you get far enough beyond it.
The second irony is that if you don’t make the decision, it will probably be made for you.
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2024.07.21
Cite
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
– Teddy Roosevelt