Let’s say you’re just walking down the sidewalk on a beautiful July morning, and I come up to you and I ask, “How good of a communicator are you?”
You look and me and you say, “Pretty good”.
Then I ask, “How do you know?”
You reply, “Ummmmm”.
We all communicate everyday through the 4 basic modalities of written, verbal, nonverbal, and visual communication. You don’t need me to take you back to the mother ship on this one. But communicating well – that’s the prize inside.
Today let’s do a little tune up, a little spit and polish, or maybe a complete overhaul on the 5 most important communication skills.
1. Listening to Reflect
We begin with the communication skill of listening because listening is the biggest fail most of us have as communicators. This is easier if we start with a definition. I define skill of listening this way: “You have listened to someone when they know you understand their position”. In other words, the real trick to this listening thing isn’t just keeping your mouth shut twice as long as it’s open, it’s volleying a message back to your person that you really did understand what they said. The key to effective listening is in the conveyance of understanding.
I learned about this communication technology couples counseling with my future ex-wife. It’s called “reflective listening”. Reflective listening occurs when you simply repeat back what the other person said in your own words to confirm understanding. When it was my turn to go, I turned to my wife and said, “So if I understand you correctly, what you’re really saying is that you hate my guts, you hope I die a horrible death, and you wish you had never met me. Is that right?”
“Yes.”
2. Use the Right Modality
I’m going to get a titch “judgy” on this one. I just did a quick Bing search for this: “How much of communication is non-verbal?” Answer: 80-90%.
As text messaging has invaded the culture, it’s become a replacement for what once was verbal and non-verbal communication. As we’ve become a nation of texters, I think we’ve really lost a lot of meaning and in communication that matters. Add a few late-night sodas to the mix and you could find yourself in a pretty dire state of future embarrassment. Anyone? Anyone? Or is it just me?
I’m not a text hater, but I do like to limit text messages. A simple yes, a simple no, can you pick up some milk, I’m running a little late, that kind of thing. If you need to say something that matters or will be difficult, choose a modality that will convey not just the verbal, but the non-verbal and emotional as needed. That’s especially true if your communicatee hates your guts, hopes you die a horrible death, and wishes they had never met you.
3. Choose the Right “Pathy”
In the lexis of your lexicon, there are two words that should always sleep in separate bedrooms: sympathy and empathy.
Sympathy is the act of feeling sorry for someone. If someone really is in a victim moment, this might be the right response. Empathy is different. Empathy is a way to get people on your side by being on their side.
Here’s a quick example: say your cat just got run over by the milkman. A sympathetic statement from you as a friend might be, “Wow, that really sucks. Let’s organize a protest and sacrifice a cow.”
An empathetic statement would go like this: “Wow that really sucks. I remember when my cat got run over by the garbage man. I’ve never felt so empty, devastated and angry at the same time. It took me a lot of therapy to get through those dark days. It was probably the worst time in my life. I have some left over grief counseling materials from my therapist, why don’t I bring them over and we can have a glass of wine, smoke a joint, and hug it out.”
A little embellished, but you get it.
4. Look at Me
We forget how important this really is. We look down, we look away, and we look up when we really should be looking “at”. Eye contact is huge.
I don’t know why, but I struggle with this one. I have for a long time. Probably some unresolved problem with my relationship with my mother, but I find myself slipping from looking at my person when I’m speaking. I guess I need to grow up.
Sometimes we find answers and sometimes they find us. This answer found me on a YouTube interview a guy was doing with a forensic archeological psychologist (apparently this does exist). She talked about mind science, evolution, monkeys having sex, and then she finally got to the point: look into the left eye of your person when you speak to them. Ever since I started staring at the lefty I find myself able to stick with it. YouTube is so awesome.
5. Get to it Man
This one is for the windbags in the audience (of which I can be one as you know). The great Steven Covey once taught us to, “Begin with the end in mind”. As a communication skill, this means learning when to sermon and when to shut up. It can be the difference between a standing ovation or getting the middle finger from your audience.
When you’re given the privilege of the podium, which one are you? That battery bunny with the bass drum who never stops? The “repeater”? The sermonizer? Holier than Thou?
Pro Tip #1: If you’re trying to win someone to your way of thinking and emotions and volumes are approaching 100 decibels, hold up the white flag. Negotiations never go well unless both parties are in their right mind (something else I learned from that therapist).
Pro Tip #2: It’s been reported that most of us have the attention span of a goldfish, which is apparently around 8 seconds (who counts these things I have no idea, but apparently someone does). Assuming this is true, that’s not a lot of time for foreplay, romance, or the endless date. If you want your message to be memorialized as an act of valor and not a fog of tedious monotony, choose your words wisely, and be concise and precise in your delivery. Do this and you will not only brand yourself in the heart and mind of your audience as prophetically punctual, but you will be recorded in the Library of Congress as perhaps the greatest communicator this country has ever known.
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2024.07.14
Cite
“A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.”
– Mark Twain