From the time you popped out of the chute until this very moment we’re in together right now, one common denominator has followed you your entire life: your relationships. If you take a snapshot of any moment of any time, the state of your relationships typically falls into one of 3 camps:
It’s going great
It’s going ho-hum
It’s in trouble
The Trouble with the Trouble
The great and ho-hum moments in a relationship don’t require much attention. No one is on fire, everyone is cruising along, and you feel abundant enough to share your tater tots. Great and ho-hum are within the guardrails of tolerance. It’s the trouble moments that matter.
Trouble in relationships comes in a variety of shapes and sizes, and so do our responses to it. When we find ourselves in a trouble moment, we usually go to our reflex responses. Some are inclined to defend. Others go on the attack. Some avoid, some blame, some drop the bomb, and some run. Chances are you and your person live in one of those responses when you find yourself in a trouble moment with each other.
And yet, when we find our way back to our right minds, we usually see that these reflex responses only make the trouble from worse to worser. So the question begs: how do you go from trouble back to great or ho-hum? To answer this question, the therapy community has provided us a variety of tools from books to seminars to the “50-minute hour”. Do these solutions actually solve anything? Sometimes yes, but most of the time probably not. And yet, hiding right in front of us in plain sight is this one teeny tiny thing that you can do to get out of the muck of trouble and back to the land of great or just ho-hum with your person. Think of this one little thing as the rock in David’s sling that will knock out the Goliath of trouble in your relationship. What is this one little thing you ask? You can learn to apologize.
That’s right, apologize.
Apology vs. Ego
The word “apology” comes to us from the ancient Greek roots of “apo” meaning away from, and “logia” meaning speech. An apology offered in the proper dose, in the right way, and at the correct time, can be the very elixir that washes your relationship troubles away. A simple apology takes less than a minute, is calorie free, and it can make the darkest thoughts and feelings toward another turn into a verse of, “Here comes the sum.” So if it’s so easy, why don’t more of us do it? Why don’t more of us just apologize, whether we’re right or wrong, and just get on with it?
Ego.
Sigmund Freud developed the concept that our personalities are comprised of three elements:
the id, ego, and superego. The “id” is responsible for our primitive impulses and desires. The “ego” controls conscious decision-making. The “superego” is the domain of morality and perfection. Of the three, it is the ego that is the firewall to apology. Ego is rooted firmly in the concept of “self”. When we interpret that we are being attacked, cajoled, made fun of, put down, or belittled by another, it is ego that steps up to serve as a protective mechanism that rationalizes, justifies, orates, and most of all, defends. Is that bad? Maybe yes and maybe no, but here’s the deal: ego doesn’t allow you to apologize.
The Antithesis of Ego
The opposite of ego is humility. Humility means having a low or modest view of one’s own importance. The key here is in the definition: humility is the value of your importance, not your self-worth. Ironically, you can’t apologize if you’re deeply invested in preserving, protecting and defending your self-importance. You can only apologize when you are able to step aside from the mechanisms of your own self-aggrandizement. The act of apology is the act of letting go of self and that alone provides a kind of peace at your center. It is only by letting go of self that we can minimize ego, maximize humility, offer apology, and get back to a happier and more peaceful place with our person, be it great or ho-hum.
Think back to the last time you and your person were in a moment of trouble. How did you feel? What were you thinking? What was your strategy? What did you say? How did it end? Now hold that thought and overlay a new one: what if you would have apologized? How would that have changed things? Do you believe you would have lost? Would you have let your person get the better of you? Would it have been a sign of weakness? Or would it have been a small investment that would have yielded you a giant return on your tiny investment?
Thought so.
66 Days
New research shows that on average, it takes 66 days to change a habit. Hopefully you won’t find yourself in 66 days of trouble with your person, but clear expectations lower the barriers to commitment and risk in all endeavors. And then there’s just Lao Tzu. He’s the guy who taught us famously, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” In other words, even when you want what seems impossible, you’ll never get there until you take the first step. So take the step and just say you’re sorry.
An apology is a pretty magical thing. Not only can it get you and your person out of the depths of despair and back on track to great or ho-hum, but a simple apology can also bring with it other unintended benefits you probably didn’t know about, like a release of endorphins, reversing hair loss, and even reducing gingivitis. It’s pretty amazing really. And if you still aren’t convinced that a simple apology is the road to relationship salvation, consider this: if you don’t apologize today, eventually the day will come that you can’t anymore.
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2026.06.30
Cite
“I believe that things should be let go once they are discussed. Apology accepted. End of story.”
– Brad Goreski