I was talking to a friend this week. Her friend has a daughter. The daughter is going through a divorce. Uh oh.
If you’ve ever been through one, you know like I do that divorce is most easily summarized with two simple words: divorce sucks. It really does for a bunch of reasons not the least of which is that you’re not going to be with your person anymore. You know…your person…the one you signed up with for “till death do you part”, for beautiful children and ridiculous in-laws, for sicker and for richer, and for all of the stuff that at the time seemed so real, so perfect, and so awesome. But life happens, and while your person is probably the same as they ever were, if one day you find yourself at divorce’s door, it’s probably because the flags you always thought were such a lovely green have somehow become a nasty red. Sadly (and I do mean sadly) over half of us untie the knot.
While there’s no doubt that modern divorce has become a kind of a cottage industry invented by legislatures being lobbied by lawyers and therapists, today you and me are going to have a little chat. Just client to client, friend to friend, and maybe referral to referral. If you’ve done everything you can to save your union (and maybe more than you should have), if the writing is on the wall, and if there is no reconciliation to your differences, maybe it’s time. It happens to 53.2% of us.
Divorce sucks, but if you’re going down the road of no return, it can also be epic. All you have to do is follow these 10 simple pro tips for an epic divorce.
1. Divorce means done. We start here because the freshmen among us often think and act like they’re still married. Sure, they might be hurt, or sad, or pissed, or all of the above, but freshies always see themselves as still married. I knew this one guy who wanted to get divorce but thought he should live in the bedroom of their family home with his future ex for the next 5 years. Install a side door, put a lock on it, call it good. Maybe move back in with your parents and get your old room back, but if you’re going to get divorced, don’t live with your ex. Divorce means done. That’s Pro Tip #1.
2. If your situation is fraught with ugly and unreasonable drama, or if you get stuck paying your future ex and her new greener grass until further notice like I did, set a trial date. Why? Because ending a divorce is really just a negotiation and all negotiations are set against a deadline. You don’t have to go to trial, but you do need to set the date. Don’t worry, it gets more expensive, but this is an important step if you want the drama to have a date certain ending.
3. Eventually you’ll want to get “over” your divorce. But getting “over” it is mostly an emotional state of being and that doesn’t happen just because the ink is dry. Sorry friend, it takes a while. Just look how long it took your to get yourself into this mess. When going through your divorce, it’s best to think of it as a business deal. If you can, it will save you a ton of grief.
4. In reference to #3, it usually takes a couple of years to get “over” it. Get the book “Crazy Time” and read it. You’ll learn a lot. It probably won’t shrink time, but you will learn a lot.
5. Maybe you want justice in your divorce. You know… he’s such an ass, she’s such a bitch, and you’re the victim in your narrative, right? If that’s your jam, you need to remember Pro Tip #5: in this America, there is a correlation between the justice you get and the price you pay to get it. While you may believe your cause is righteous, you’re usually negotiating against attorney’s fees. Divorce trials are actually pretty short, it’s the prep that spins the clock. Most trials settle before trial even begins, but you still have to pay for the prep time. Trust me, attorneys know this. How do you think they pay back their laws school loans?
6. Continuing on with the negotiation part of divorce, probably the biggest mistake people make in negotiations (divorce or otherwise), is in not understanding the power they have. If you find yourself being handed a piece of paper and your future ex wants everything and then some, don’t freak out, instead remember what Nancy Regan taught us about drugs in the ‘80’s, “Just say no”. Sorry, that probably wasn’t a good example, but you get it.
7. Your friend circle post-divorce probably won’t be the same. Plan on it. People take sides, they’re human.
8. If social media is your thing, remember to always wear your “Google Goggles” before you unload on the object of your contempt and pain for all the world to comment. In other words, press pause before you press send. This is especially true if wine is your writing buddy. I have another friend whose future ex went to Facebook and posted that he had gone into her personal account and stolen $50,000. Then she went to his clients and told them he was in contempt of court and going to jail. Of course none of that was true, but that was a big mistake on her part. The crowd usually eats the vermin in the story, and they devoured her and spit her out like a 7-year-old learning to hack a loogie. See #7 above.
9. Don’t talk smack about you future ex to your kids. Just don’t. I know your pissed off and hurt brain has built the perfect argument to justify this form of justice, but don’t. Just zip it friend. Find a pillow, open another bottle of red, get a therapist, or take a slurp off the trusty valium salt lick, but don’t talk smack to your kids about your person. You’ll thank me in 10 years for this one.
10. Finally, remember that you’re going to be ok. Going through a divorce is kind of a trip through “Dark Disneyland”. Along the way you get bruised, you lose some money, and you feel feelings that are less than pleasant, but somehow you make it. And when you get to the other side of Hell’s River, you’ll probably meet someone new, fall in love, do all of crazy shit you did before, and then the ride will start all over again. Seems weird I know, but you’re not an algorithm, you’re a human, and love is a delicious and messy plate of humanity served with no utensils or napkins.
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2024.06.23
Cite
“Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5,000 Gideon Bibles.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor