At least 5 mornings a week (sometimes 6), I lift 43,000 pounds.
I know, you can’t really tell, but it’s true. I did the math, and I lift 43,000 pounds pretty much every morning. I don’t do it all at once (I’m a back surgery survivor), I do it in a series of lifts in the weightroom at my local YMCA. It’s called “resistance” training, but for me it’s really “persistence training”.
Persistence Defined
Persistence is defined as, “firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition” (reminds me of a relationship I was in once – she would probably say the same), but the basic idea is to stick when you want to quit.
The gurus, swami’s, and self-help coaches of the world tell us to drink heavily from the cup of persistence. Persistence is a separator they tell us – it separates the “can’s” and the “cannot’s”, the winners and the losers, the beautiful from the ugly. Persistence is what gets you to the other side of the wall where a bounty of riches awaits you. When the going gets tough, the tough get going so get yourself some persistence today because those who persist are the winners in life.
Or are they?
The Conundrum
The one thing that defines who, how, and what you are more than anything else in your life is your relationships. Unfortunately people are also human and that means we bring trouble, damage, and baggage (your mileage may vary). As you wander along the path of your life from beginning to end, you will develop a web of relationships around you with your fellow humans. It is these relationships that will bring you both the greatest joy and the worst pain you will ever know. The French have a saying, “beginnings are beautiful”, and for the most part they are, but whether work, friendship, or romance, some of our relationships will eventually go south – even the ones we were sure never would – and when they do, the end follows a common pattern that’s as old as time itself: a long, slow burn, and then suddenly all at once. Poof.
It’s during this “burn” stage that we persist. We stick it out, we hunker down, we put on our seatbelts. Sometimes we stay even against the advice of everyone around us. Sometimes we stay as we are openly telling the world how “abusive” it is. Sometimes we stay because we need the money. But when we finally do break it off (or have it broken off for us), we usually say look back and say, “Boy, I wish I would have done that sooner” or, “I feel so much better now”, or “If I only would have known then what I know now, I never would have…”.
This is the “persistence conundrum”. It is the constant balancing of a singular question on a fulcrum that often will change the course of your entire life: should you stick, or should you quit?
The Two Zones
One of the things we talk about in REAL Negotiation training is the role time plays in a negotiation. Think of a simple line drawn horizontally from left to right. On the left side is the “zone of possible return”, on the right side is the “zone of no return” and somewhere in the middle is the “point of no return”.
The basic idea is this: in all of our relationships with each other, be they our children, our customers, or our lovers, we make investments made of time, money, and energy. As we make those investments, we move along the line from left to right. In other words, we move from the “zone of possible return” to the “zone of no return”. Somewhere on the line we pass a tipping point called “the point of no return”. When we move beyond that point, we have so much invested that we have to move forward, to stick it out, or to try to “fix” it because quitting or giving up would mean losing too much.
As a tactic in your business relationships, it’s smart to be mindful of where both you and your counterpart are on the line of time. In your romantic relationships, the chemicals usually make the decision for you. Remember: you’re a human.
The Two Pauses
The next time you find yourself stuck in the middle of the muck of the persistence conundrum (and you will), consider the “two pauses”.
Pause #1
Feelings come and go, but words are sticky. If you are one who is easily upset, if you are quick to run in the face of disagreement, or if you are a paper tiger who is a master of threatening others and delivering what at the time seems like the most magnificent oratory ever imagined, but which you will most certainly regret in your future, you are probably best served to learn to press the pause button. When you return to your right mind, examine your decision-making faculties and strategies over a long term. Consider therapy or maybe an AA meeting. One is free, both can help.
Pause #2
It’s easy to blame the other person when things go south. Lots of us do. The problem with using blame as a tool for conflict resolution is that while we might get a slight reprieve, eventually and inevitably we will find ourselves back in the same conundrum, often with the same villain in our narrative.
The only road to salvation and lasting sanity when you find yourself in the muck of the persistence conundrum is to look at your own shit instead of pointing the finger of blame. This can only happen in a pause moment. It isn’t easy and it certainly isn’t for everyone, but those who make the switch usually report that it’s the best thing they have for themselves and the people around them. Again, your mileage may vary.
It’s true that none of this has anything to do at all with weightlifting, but it has everything to do with persistence and how you make decisions to stick or quit. And that matters because it has everything to do with your results. And that matters because your results have everything to do with your happiness. And that matters because your happiness has everything to do with the quality of your life. And that matters because this isn’t a dress rehearsal.
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2024.03.10
Cite
“The art of love is largely the art of persistence.”
– Albert Ellis