One of the most important things each of us ever learns in this life is how to navigate loss. The loss of a beloved, the loss of our hopes, the loss of our innocence. No one really prepares us for how to deal with loss, it’s usually an on-the-job training moment, so our response is usually more reactive than proactive. And yet, in this life, we all face loss…some we inflict on ourselves, some inflicted on us by others.
When loss comes knocking, the advice we are handed typically comes in the form of clichés. “Learn to lose gracefully”. “Just let that shit go.” “Always be a good sport, be a good sport always.” This counsel is certainly well intentioned, but when you’re in the middle of the muck, a random slogan rarely flips the switch. For most of us, loss is a hard journey from a place we never knew existed to a place we wish didn’t. It’s as if we’re wandering along a dark road to nowhere through the fog of war until we stumble upon the zombie apocalypse. We are absorbed by random thoughts of a past love, we are consumed by the one moment that changed everything, and we wake with a sadness that plays in the background of each moment throughout the day. When we find ourselves dealing with loss, we don’t just lose our way, we lose the better version of ourselves, and we know it. Eventually something inside of us wants to find our way back.
But how?
The best way to think about moving beyond loss is to begin with a reframe. It is possible to move beyond loss, you just have to acquire some skills you don’t yet have. Skills are much better than clichés because a skill is measurable – it’s something you can actually do. You’ve been learning skills your whole life. You learned how to use the toilet (hopefully), you learned how to listen (hopefully), you learned how to pick a compatible companion (hopefully), and so on. And so it is with learning how to deal with loss. Moving beyond loss is within your human capacity, and a few skills can get you there.
If you know someone who is dealing with loss, you might want to send this post along. If not, just hang onto it because dealing with loss isn’t an “if”, it’s a “when”, and that’s true for all of us.
Skill #1: The Longer Now
Our understanding of time is a huge piece of the loss puzzle. The problem comes when we condense time. Condensing time only intensifies the feelings of sadness, loneliness, and even failure that loss brings. When you condense time, you lose perspective on the larger playing field of your life relative to the moment you are in right now. Learn to reframe time into the “longer now”. By stretching your perspective of time, you will simultaneously shrink the emotional tumor of loss. And remember this: sometimes these things just take time.
Skill #2: Ask the Elders
Many of us aspire to live a long life and that’s good and well, but when you pick up one end of the stick you also pick up the other. The algebra of life teaches us that living longer means dealing with more loss. The elders among us are the best counsel about the reality of loss because they know a simple truth: loss is something that happens, regret is how you interpret it. To move beyond loss, you must separate the two. You can’t change loss, but you can control your regrets.
Skill #3: Remember Your Success
When we become swallowed by loss, we often fail to remember our successes. No matter who you are, you’ve had success in your life. Here’s a simple exercise: get pen and paper and make 2 columns. Populate one column with your losses, the other with your successes. When you’re done, set it aside for a while and come back later to review. This exercise will give you visual proof of the balance or imbalance of these two aspects of your life. Adjust your point of view as needed (and hey, it’s all point of view).
Skill #4: Own It
Your life is really a story about your humanity. The chapters and pages of your story are written with the thumbprints of your humanity that you leave behind…how you express your gratitude, how you conduct yourself in difficult situations, your willingness to forgive, and so on. But when loss comes to your life because of your own words and deeds gone wrong, it isn’t your humanity, but rather your humility that speaks loudest. The counsel here is simple: own your shit. Don’t be the martyr or the endless apologist; just own your mistakes honesty and with humility. And remember this: those who have the most difficulty dealing with loss are often the ones who wear the badge of the victim when the truth is they’re really just volunteers. Own your shit.
Skill #5: You Remembering You
As we move along the conveyor belt of life, in the beginning we accumulate all of the accoutrements we think matter, but eventually we realize that the most important asset each of us will ever acquire in this life is our relationships with each other. These relationships are built on a set of experiences, opinions, and expectations. And this is also true in the most important relationship any of us will ever have which is the relationship we have with ourselves. Define this relationship as you will…self-care, self-love, or even self-loathing, but when it comes to healing from a loss, the road to salvation is paved with only one brick: the opinion you have of yourself.
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2022.09.03
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“Sometimes a loss is the best thing that can happen. It teaches you what you should have done next time.”
– Snoop Dogg