The 7 Verbs of Love
In love and relationship there are three possible boxes:
1. You’re in one, and it’s going as planned (good job).
2. You’re not in one, but you’re looking (good luck).
3. You’re in one, but you don’t want to be in it (uh oh).
As we move through adult life, most of us have been in all three at least once, I know I have. But there’s a thing that is common to each of the three boxes –a question that we ask of our beloved with or without words. It’s a question that we ask when we are in the pinnacle moments of our strength, our vulnerability, and sometimes our hope.
“Do you love me?”
Love as a Language
In his book “The 5 Love Languages”, author Gary Chapman walks us through his version of the “square peg in a square hole” – finding a beloved who understands us and who does things that make us happy when it comes to love. According to Chapman, the languages are:
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Physical touch
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Human language is made with sounds and letters that created words arranged in a certain way to create meaning. Adjectives, adverbs, nouns, pronouns, and the occasional dangling participle fill the bill. But the strongest of all the word types is the verb.
It’s the strongest because a verb measures what you do.
Love as a Verb
When we find ourselves in a mess with our beloved, we’ve all heard a million times that we’re supposed to have our own shit together before we criticize the behavior of our person. Self-reflection before other criticism is certainly a higher road, but it’s also often the road less travelled. And yet self-reflection and personal responsibility usually aren’t the problem or the solution with these kinds of things. The real gist of relationship troubles is often with our own interpretation of “this means that”.
Let’s press pause for just a moment and consider the most important phrase in any relationship you will ever have: “this means that”. It’s the software of our own interpretations, it creates our point of view, and it often makes the innocent seem guilty. It’s not reality, it’s not intention, and it’s certainly not the “truth”, it’s how we arrange meaning. That’s why love as a “verb” is so important. Love as a verb doesn’t just question reality, intention, or truth, it simply presents itself as an “it is what it is” statement.
The Seven Verbs of Love
As you wander through the three boxes of love and relationship in your own life, you will bump up against the inevitable moments where you will be forced to interpret “this means that”. When you do, consider these seven markers of love as a verb. They may help bring clarity to your own confusion, they may help you find the peace you seek, and they just might save you on therapy and attorney’s fees too.
1. Seen by friends and family.
Are you the secret or the billboard? I’ve been both. In the beginning there can be a certain intrigue and excitement to being the secret, but over time expectations change especially as intimacy intensifies. If you are not seen by your beloved’s friends and family as their person, there’s probably a reason why, and that reason probably isn’t a celebration of you.
2. A balance of sacrifice.
All relationships, especially romantic ones, are a rolling negotiation and eventually present the yardstick of give and take is presented to both sides. The key to longevity is a balance of sacrifice, not in the moment, but over time. If one person is making all of the sacrifice for the other over time, an unintentional habit can be formed and eventually one or the other of you will find yourselves planting a flag in the land of resentment.
3. Cares about your loved ones.
The strange irony of love relationships, especially those in the second act of life, is that when you sign up for your person, you’re also signing up for the whole family. Not just parts of it, ALL of it and that can either be the grand prize or the booby prize. A strong marker of love as a verb is how your beloved cares about your tribe, even the less than savory members.
4. Accepts the rhythm of your life.
Joni Mitchell once penned the song, “No Regrets Coyote”. Maybe you know it. If not, here’s a stanza: “No regrets coyote, we just come from such different sets of circumstance, I’m up all night in the studios, you’re up early on your ranch…”. Read that twice. You’ll get it.
5. Is proud of your accomplishments.
Personal security is a struggle for a lot of people. Insecure people don’t celebrate the accomplishments of others – they scorn, degrade, and berate. In a functional love relationship, your person should be your biggest fan and it should cut both ways. Personal security is a celebration of your person. Does your beloved celebrate you? Ask the question, listen to the response.
6. Fights for you as a couple.
As I said, when you sign up with your person, you sign up with their family as well and this can be a great thing, or it can suck. There is nothing worse than being rejected by the people who you hope will accept you. As I’ve wandered through my own path of love, loss, death, divorce, and reinvention, I’ve had both handed to me.
More than one person I’ve met in my life has felt some sense of betrayal when it’s jump ball between them and a blood family member – especially if kids are involved. Disagreement in this guise can feel like betrayal, but as usual, the answer of intentions is always revealed in your interpretation of “this means that” so check out your fantasy. Does your person fight for you as a couple when their tribe disagrees? It’s a thing. And it may be the thing that makes all the difference.
7. Listens to hear, not to respond.
Genuine listening isn’t about hearing, genuine listening is the conveyance of understanding. When we get into disagreements in our adult relationships – especially the romantic ones, the real problem with communication isn’t a lack of hearing, it’s a lack of conveyed understanding. Of all of the ways we manifest love as a verb, this is the one that is the simplest, has the greatest return on investment, and is often the least exercised. Learn to zip it when you want to pipe in, and learn to reflect to convey understanding in lieu of providing your perfect opinion.
Love as a Verb: The Short List
1. Seen by friends and family.
2. A balance of sacrifice.
3. Cares about your loved ones.
4. Accepts the rhythm of your life.
5. Is proud of your accomplishments.
6. Fights for you as a couple.
7. Listens to hear, not to respond.
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2023.06.18
Cite
“You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.”
– Albert Einstein