Have you ever been criticized? I have. You probably have too. Criticism is one of those things in life that none of us can really escape – like the loss of a love and tooth decay. But when it comes to criticism, the real question isn’t if it will find you, it’s how you take yours when it does,
My memories of being criticized started when I was young. Over time they accrued and scored in a sort of cumulative effect. When I was about 12 years old I added up all of the criticism that led to the restrictions I had been put on to that point in my life. If I would have served all of my sentences consecutively, I would have been in my basement bedroom until I was 84. I did get our early, but not for good behavior, only time served.
When I was in my late 20’s things changed. I was a bouncer for a while. It was Seattle in the grunge days of the early ‘90’s and it was pretty great. And if you knew me then as you might know me now, you know I’m not a little dude. I only say that because what was weird about bouncing was that it was always the little guys who wanted a piece of me. “Hey a**hole, let me in!” “Come on man, I need to see my girlfriend”. “God, you’re such a dick!” It was always the little guys who wanted a piece of me and the life lesson learned was that diplomacy rarely works with little guys jacked up on booze and dope. After I got mugged a couple of time and shot at once I was pretty much done with that career. Eventually 40 bucks a night just didn’t pencil anymore.
But let’s get back to you. How do you deal with criticism? I mean really, how do you take yours? How does it make you feel? How do you respond? And perhaps more importantly, how do you dole it out? It’s kind of a big thing that we all have to deal with in this life. When we’re criticized, our parents and therapists often just tell us to “let it go”. But anyone with an inner child knows that really a lot of bs.
Here are the 6 parts of criticism.
Part 1: The Givers
Every critic shows up with good intentions. No one ever says, “Take the knee so I can rip you a new one”. Rather the implied message is, “I’m here to offer constructive criticism”. As a critic, let’s assume your motives are pure; you want to offer good counsel, be constructive, and let’s also assume that you know what the hell you’re talking about because that’s usually helpful with these kinds of things. After you check those three boxes, there’s really only one obstacle preventing you from getting it right: the other person’s feelings.
That’s right, their feelings.
Let’s be honest about this; if you’re going to criticize someone, you probably want them to change in some way (unless of course you’re a sociopath), but we also know that none of us can “make” another change, instead they have to do that themselves. So the real key to constructive criticism is to first understand how we all make decisions and that answer is both simple and scientific: we decide emotionally and justify rationally. All of us. If you’re going to criticize, remember this: no one is going to pay attention to you, listen to you, or be willing to change if you make them feel bad about themselves. Duh.
Effective critics also know something that the ineffective ones don’t: it’s best to use criticism sparingly. If we step back and examine the landscape of life in a honest moment, we’re all just sort of trying to get though this thing called life the best we can, and that applies to equally presidents, parents and progeny. Sometimes being critical is important, and sometimes it’s appropriate and helpful too. But criticism is also like chemotherapy: a little might save your life, too much and you’re just overdosing on poison. So be careful about how much you criticize – especially in your most important relationships. Lest you become thought of as a bore, insecure, or just thought of as someone with too much free time who really should be volunteering at the local animal shelter.
Part 2: The Receiver
Sometimes when you’re on the receiving end, criticism is the modern version of your childhood traumas…you are triggered to seeing yourself on the naughty rug or in another “time out. But as it is in most things in the Universe, there can be no giving without receiving. And so it is with criticism.
Like I said, I’ve been criticized for a long time. And some in this audience have criticized me too. It’s not always easy being criticized, sometimes it really hurts. And some of us walk around for a long, long time licking the wounds of our past criticisms until they become the dogma of our existence. I’ve tried a lot of medicine to deal with being criticized over the years…smiling and nodding, fighting back, therapy, prayer, wine, a little more wine…but there are two things I’ve learned about to deal with being criticized over the years that have helped: Mahatma and the judges.
Part 3: The Mahatma Principal
In a sterile definition, criticism is really just a judgement cast upon us by another. But if we go a little deeper, we see that the trick is understanding the meaning that we assign to that judgement. One more time: the meaning that we assign to it. Mahatma Ghandi once said, “How can you take away from me that which I have not given you?” That really is the answer to this whole meaning mess. You’re in charge of your power. You decide the meaning you give to the criticism of another. And you control that. If you have a hard time with someone who is critical of you, think about this. Ghandi’s answer isn’t just the right answer, it’s the wise answer.
Part 4: The Judges
About half my life ago, someone introduced me to an entirely new version of consciousness – the idea of knowing myself. It’s a work in progress and it probably always will be, but it’s really helped me to deal with criticism more effectively. And by “effectively” I don’t mean blowing it off, defending myself, or dragging it around as a part of my own emotional baggage. I mean learning to “filter” based on the judge.
Judgement is an opinion that is cast upon us by another. It’s not holy, it’s human. It’s an opinion of another human being who is judging. So my second piece of advice when dealing with a critic is to consider the judge who is judging you. Step back from your emotional response and make the inquiry: do they know what they’re talking about? Do they even have the standing to judge you in the first place? Are they better than you, smarter than you, richer than you, or skinnier than you? Like I said, I’ve had a lot of jacked up little people get in my grill over the years. And sometimes we’re judge by people who feel bad about themselves. A therapist taught me that’s called “projection”. I said, “yeah, and I’m a big screen.”
Part 5: The Toxic Twins
If you’ve made it this far with me, here’s one last thought on what is perhaps the most important piece to consider about humans and criticism: our emotional response. We all have these two almond shaped things in the frontal lobe called the “Amygdala”. I call them the “toxic twins”. The amygdala decide whether what you’re experiencing is a rerun of Mr. Rodgers or Terminator 3, and then how you will react. When your amygdala gets it wrong and puts you into over reaction to a stimulus (like a criticism), a message is sent to your hypothalamus that the Terminator is going to get you. So you do what all cavemen do: up the heartbeat, quicken the breath, start sweating, maybe yelling and attacking, maybe running way. You know, basic over reacting stuff. Get to know your toxic twins. They have a lot to do with your response to a given person, situation, or criticism.
Part 6: The Summary
1. Before you criticize, really stop and think what outcome you want.
2. When you criticize, consider the feelings of the other person (before you open your mouth).
3. In the bad moments, remember that you really are the one who is in control of your power. Only you can keep it, only you can give it away.
4. Be open to effective criticism but use the filter or your own judgement about who is judging you before you open the gate.
5. If you have a problem with defensiveness and overreacting, do a little googling about the amygdala. It might help.
6. Get to know yourself (maybe put that one first).
Sorry this one was a bit long.
But I hope it helps.
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2021.10.24
Cite
“I like constructive criticism from smart people.”
– Prince